|
|
Thursday, December 5th, 2002
| |
9:34 am - missing person...
|
Hey gang. I know it's been awhile but I need your help, I guess. I'm kinda worried.
Y'know I dance at that club downtown, right? Well, one of the girls didn't show up for work last night. Yeah, and maybe it doesn't sound like a big deal, but this gal's a friend of mine. She's a sweetie, Alison, and, well, it's been a long time since I had any real close girlfriends.
I went over to her place this morning, and her roommate told me she wasn't home. Said she'd left around seven last night as usual. But she wasn't real concerned at first, I guess Al kinda does the disappearing act a lot, til I told her she was a no-show.
I dunno though. Far as I was aware she's got no boyfriend right now, I can't figure where else she'd be staying. And this is Sunnydale, after all. I've kinda got a bad feeling about this.
So can you all keep an eye out for me? She's about 5'3", long blond hair, big blue eyes, real small bones and on the skinny side. and she wears this stupid Hello Kitty watch all the time, I guess her dad gave it to her a long time ago before he went AWOL on her so she never takes the damn thing off except when she's on stage.
Anyways...I just wanna make sure she's five by five. She's pretty innocent for a dancer, too, way too trusting when it comes to men.
Fuck, it's been a long night. I haven't slept yet either.
Oh yeah, I forgot to say...thanks for dinner the other night, B, it was grub. Your mom would be real proud of you, girl.
I gotta jet.
P.S. Angel, you better call me, your lame ass said you would about a week ago. Thought you were big on being good on your word, what's up with that shit, huh?
current mood:  anxious
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, November 7th, 2002
| |
1:06 am - damn...I wrote a fuckin novel...
|
Dude--what a trip.
I got these two sets of memories in my head now. Keep havin to remind myself--I never HAD a sister.
But somewhere in my head I still grew up with Dawn at my heel, taggin along, keepin me on the straight and narrow. Still lost her to fuckin Spike and his vamp bitches.
That part's still true, at least. The losing her part.
I met up with B tonight for patrol, I called her up earlier cuz she'd said she wanted to talk to me, think she's pretty shaken up by the whole wish thing.
She isn't lookin real good, tired, hella stressed, guess we all are, but she's real worried about my--I mean, her little sis.
We had agreed to meet up down by the cemetary, when I got there she was leanin on the fence lookin over into the dark under the trees, watchin for vamps I figured, but maybe not cuz when I said "Hey," she jumped and came around on me with stake raised.
"Whoa there--hey--it's just me." She was probly lucky I wasn't a bad guy, if I hadn't said nothin it would have been easy pickins to just walk up and grab her.
"Oh, hey Faith." She tucked the stake away, lookin real embarassed. "Sorry about that, you startled me."
"No worries." I leaned on the fence beside her, squinted into the darkness. "Whatcha lookin at?"
"Oh, nothing. Just--just thinking is all." I suddenly remembered that Spike lived in there. No wonder. Cold rage boiled in my stomach--didn't matter he'd done nothin personal to me in this world, the emotional response was still there, he'd taken away the only person I'd ever loved and replaced her with a vicious little creature I was going to have to kill one of these nights.
"Damn, girl, whaddaya say we just go dust the bastard right now? The two of us could kick his ass no problem, and that crazy Drusilla bitch too." The more I thought about it, the better the idea sounded. I was pretty much ready to vault the fence and go for it.
"No--no, I can't do that, Faith. Much as I'd like to."
"Why the fuck not? C'mon. It'd be good for you. Save you a lot of trouble, and I bet it'd help get him outta your system too."
"NO." She straight up snapped at me. Guess I hit a sore spot.
"Christ--chill, why don't you? What's the big deal? He's just a vamp, and not even a good one at that. I mean, c'mon, he's no fuckin Angel, that's for sure."
"Funny, Faith." But she actually laughed, at least half-laughed, even though sounded like it kinda hurt. Sharp, ya know? "I'm sorry--again. It's just--no offense, but you don't understand. It's not that simple."
"Sure it is."
"No, it's not." She studied the irregularities of the iron railing. "He didn't do it--not in this world. It wouldn't help anything." A little pause, and then she added softly, "It won't turn Dawn back."
She glanced sideways at me, and the girl honestly looked like she was about to break down on me, from the way her eyes glittered under the streetlights. Which really threw me, cuz, well, this is Buffy we're talking about and even though she doesn't look it the girl is hard as fuckin nails. hates to let anyone see it when shit gets to her. And for some reason I wanted to give her a goddamn hug or somethin, like because we both remembered being Dawn's big sis that made us sisters too in a way--only I didn't, cuz she'd probably think I'd gone nuts on her if I did.
"This is all my fault," she said.
"Don't talk like that, B. You guys'll figure out how to fix everything up. You always do, right?" I hooked her arm in mine. "Now c'mon, let's do this thing. Not him, that's not what I meant," I added when she started to protest. "But let's go dust some fuckin vamps, man."
"Good idea." Amazing, she actually agreed with me. "Want to hit downtown? Keep the nightlife lively?"
"Sounds like a plan and a half."
We set off down the street, away from the graveyard.
"Hey, B?"
"Yeah?"
"How'd you like it?"
"...Like what?"
"What was it like--being, you know--normal?"
"Oh." She laughed, for real this time, only a little bit of bitterness hidden in there somewhere. "It was--well--it was BORING. I was boring. My life was so--ordinary. And I didn't even know it. It wasn't what I expected, that's for sure..."
"So you didn't like it?"
"NO."
I stopped and stared at her. "Serious?"
"Serious." She shook her head. "I wasn't any happier there. Stupider, but not happier. And the things I worried about--the things that made me the unhappiest--well, let's just say I'm almost ashamed to think about them now."
"You're sayin it sucks to be ordinary?"
"Yeah. Yeah, it pretty much does."
I laughed at her and poked her in the arm. "Dude--I could've told you that."
"Yeah, yeah. But then again you've always enjoyed this job more than me."
I looked her straight in the eye.
"Not in that world, I didn't..."
current mood:  awake
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, October 11th, 2002
| |
2:04 pm
|
I found that asshole Spike last night.
Yeah, that's not actually the truth. He found me. I broke up this nest in downtown, it was way easy, they must've been from a stupid brood. Took me maybe ten minutes to kill the five of 'em, chased 'em into an alley and cornered the whole gang. But as the last one burst into dust someone laughed behind me, low and menacing.
"Nice work, Firecracker."
I spun around and there he was, leaning against the wall, cigarette in hand. "You," I hissed. "I've been looking for you."
He flicked the cigarette away, smiling. He looked real relaxed, lounging there, but the smile was dangerous. "No you haven't, Firecracker. But I've been looking for you."
Something was bothering me, something else besides him. "What did you call me?"
No one had called me that for a long time. Since...before Kaikistos...
That had been my watcher's nickname for me.
He stepped away from the wall. "Seems to fit," he observed. "I've been learning a lot about you these days, Slayer." He strolled toward me, I circled away. "Oh, and your sister's quite well. She learns fast, that one. She's a natural...a born killer." He paused. "Just like her sister."
I lunged at him. His neat defense sent my stake flying out of my grasp and me against the wall. In a second he was standing over me, all yellow eyes and fangs.
"Now this is interesting," he murmured. "I thought you'd put up more of a fight. Fact, I was looking forward to it..." He leaned toward me. "But every Slayer has a death wish. I smell it strong on you, my dear."
"Fuck you." I took my opening, kicked him hard in his midsection, sprang to my feet. "You're wrong, asshole. I think you're the one got the death wish--something wicked."
"Am I?" He'd regained his balance, we were back to circling. "Come on. Look at you. Lost little girl. You've got nothing. No watcher. No friends. No sister. Only pleasure in your sad little life is killing." Lightning fast, his arm caught me across my face and I staggered backwards and he followed. "You deal in death, Slayer. You look in its face every night. That final gasp...the look of peace...You can't tell me you haven't wondered what it's like. Haven't wished it could all be over..."
Oh shit. He had my arms pinned to my sides, his eyes were blue again and staring right into mine, blue and cold as ice. His hand closed around my neck.
"So easy," he whispered. "One little twist, and you'll feel peace...for the first and last time..." His fingers tightened, I couldn't get a breath, and then--
"Leave her alone, Spike." Suddenly the grip on my neck released, the cloud lifted from my eyes and I could see Spike sprawled on the ground. He slowly rose, looking dumbfounded.
"You all right?"
My rescuer was tall, dark, dressed in black, and damn...it looked good on him.
"Who are you?"
"A friend."
Spike was laughing again. "Angelus? Bloody hell, what are you doing here, old chap?"
"None of your damn business, Spike."
"What's your game? You want to take the Slayer yourself? Want to find out what it's like, eh?"
"Not exactly..."
current mood: surprised
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, October 4th, 2002
| |
1:16 pm - this is not my life.
|
Everything's so fucking screwed up.
My little sis is a vamp.
Yeah, I'll dust her. It's what I do. Slayer, killer--same diference. I'll drive the damn stake through her heart. I'll look her straight in the eye as she screams. I'll brush her ashes from my hands. I'll do what I have to do...
But if I said it'll be easy, I lied.
Those of you who think Faith doesn't care about nothing, you're wrong. Or you were.
She was it. Now she's gone.
I'm not gonna kill that bleach-blond bastard. Spike, that's his name--right, Sis</>?
He'll wish I did though.
***
Riley tried to help. The other night, after I ran into--what had been Dawn.
Such a sweet guy. Said he loved me. Said he wanted to help.
So I fucked him.
It didn't help.
I went home and punched a hole through the wall. That didn't help either, and now my goddamn landlord wants me to pay for the damage.
I keep remembering things. How tough she always pretended to be, how tightly she held my hand after our stepdad threw us out of the house. How grown-up and motherly she was, my baby sister, when I came home from that awful night, the first time I faced Kaikistos, after I lost my Watcher, how she fought me for that razor til I got pissed off and hit her--and realized what the fuck I was doing. How she stroked my hair as I sobbed, the red mark on her cheek from my fist turning purple. The only time I ever let her see me cry.
And now I've lost her. The only other person I ever loved. Fucked up again.
Mom was right about me.
current mood:  guilty
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, September 20th, 2002
| |
1:43 am
|
I think it's time to deal with this Spike character. He thinks he's hot shit...he'll learn.
Didn't I say I was jonesin for a real good kill? I love it when my wishes come true.
Oh yeah. I can feel the rush already, just thinkin about it.
(Just out of curiosity, how come you haven't dusted this asshole yet, B?)
current mood:  predatory
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
| |
11:14 pm - and you thought your average everyday vamp was a freak
|
Hey guys. It's my night off, and I'm bored, so I jacked Chris' computer. So what's up?
Went on an early patrol with B tonight. We talked about men, haha, seems like that's what we always end up talkin about. Not that we always see eye to eye, ya know, she's loosened up a lot in the past coupla years, but she still looks kinda shocked when I tell her what I get up to, thinks I'm pretty fucked up, I guess. She doesn't get how I can strip for money. Wanted to know what it did to my self respect. I said, nothing, it's me using them, not the other way around. And it's not like anyone's getting hurt. She gave me that older sis look, she does that sometimes, guess she can't always snap out of thinking she knows what's best for everybody, what with having to play mom all the time. (Don't get me wrong, we're cool, me and B, that shit used to bug me a whole lot more than it does now.)
She gave me this speech I didn't really get, about how it doesn't matter who's being used, it's real bad for both sides, even if the ones being used are horny asshole guys. Don't think she was really talking about me, sounded like she had personal experience on the subject. I just shrugged and told her not to worry. I'm five by five.
Still kinda worried about Angel though. Haven't talked to him in awhile. It's too weird. He wanted to "hang" (since when does Angel talk like the rest of us?) and he said some shit about ice cream and a movie, and "fun." I swear to God, I dunno what's up with him. That's not him at all. I mean--"fun"? I thought he was joking, but he looked real earnest. And he smiled the whole time. Hella weird. I blew him off. Last thing I need right now is someone who looks like Angel but isn't holding my hand and making stupid jokes. Fuck that. It's like the opposite of Angelus, but just as freaky. Maybe more freaky.
Oh yeah, so speaking of vamps doing weird shit, guess who I saw last night at the club? Can't miss that peroxide job. He was sitting right by the stage when I came out, chain-smoking as usual. Lifted his glass to me. But I don't think it was me he was looking at for most of the night, we have a new girl--cool chick, Alyssa--tiny little blond thing, and damn, she can dance. With those big innocent blue eyes and that sweet little smile of hers, we were all kinda floored first time we saw her work the stage. Gives me a run for my money. Keeps to herself a lot though--wonder what her story is.
Odds are our vamp Spike found out, though. He bought all us girls drinks that night--didn't know he had so much cash--and I don't know but I'm pretty damn sure he walked Alyssa home. Hah, playing the gentleman. Whaddaya know. Angel's an idiot, Spike's a nice guy. Definitely something going on around here.
All right, gang, gotta run. Chris is threatening to start the Evil Dead marathon without me. Always got a kick out of those movies. Bruce Campbell kicks ass, and he's a sexy son of a bitch too.
Catch ya later!
current mood:  cheerful
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
10:42 pm - what's up
|
Hey, scooby crew. It's me. Willow convinced me to get one of these things, even though I told her I'm not a geek, but she signed me up anyways so here I am.
Not much to tell. I'm five by five. Went patroling with B tonight, that's about it. Those vamps are getting way to easy to kill, man. Here's hoping somethin tougher will show up in the next coupla weeks, cause Faithy here is getting bored. About to go lookin for some real thrills.
But damn. I'm still all keyed up from patrol, ya know? Easier it gets to kill, the more antsy I get. I need a real good fight...or a real good lay. Cause yeah...slayin makes me pent as hell. Too bad I'm all by myself in my apartment with not a man in sight.
Maybe I'll swing on down to the Bronze and check out the prospects.
In fact, I think I'll do that now.
Later, gang. You're welcome to join me up there, if ya want. Have some fun. Dance those worries away. C'mon Will, Xand-man, B, you know you want to.
...Oh, that's right. You guys have school tomorrow. Sucks, huh?
*wicked grin*
I'm out. See ya around...
--Faith
current mood:  horny
current music: NIN "Closer"...Hell yeah, baby
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, September 13th, 2002
| |
5:04 pm
|
Dude...what the hell is up with Angel?
He won't tell me anything that makes sense. And he's acting majorly weird. Goofy would be the best way to describe it. Way too cheerful. It's freaky.
B? Witches? Anyone?
current mood: upset
current music: Missy Eliott
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, August 19th, 2002
| |
1:32 am
|
So living with Chris is pretty cool. Think he's kinda in awe of the fact that his roommate's a stripper. He's a real sweetie though. Him and me and Willow have been hanging out a lot.
It's real nice to have friends. Real nice to not come home to an empty house all the time.
Hmm...yeah, Tara and Missy came to the club the other night. That was a trip and a half. But it was great. They made out at the bar, the guys loved it. I had to really work it to keep my audience, I can tell you. *wink* Come back anytime, girls, it was awesome to have you there.
Haven't seen Angel for awhile. He visited me at work too. That was, well, not so great. Thought he was going to kill that guy. Not that it would've been a great loss to the world, but there is a reason we dancers are discouraged from inviting our, uh, "friends" to watch us perform. Damaged customers are bad for business. Silly boy could have gotten me fired. We talked about it and we're five by five, but we kinda decided he should stay away from the club from now on.
Anyways I'm bushed and even Chris is asleep so I know I'm up way late. Catch ya all later, I'm out.
current mood:  sleepy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 2nd, 2002
| |
2:23 am - ooc: sorry!
|
Grr...sorry about the multiple posts all y'all who have me listed in your friends page.
It's late. I'm tired. I can't deal with this technology stuff. Way too complicated. :-)
current mood: five by five
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
2:19 am - update (with cp)
|
So it's me again.
Life is going much better for me these days, seems like. Makes me wonder what's coming up next, ya know, like what big lame life bullshit is gonna come crashing down on my head in the next couple of weeks? But for now, things are five by five. Not like everything's how I'd want it, but that's the way it goes, I guess.
I got me a job, think I said that before. I dance at a club. And before you ask, yes, it's that kind of dancing, at that kind of club. I like it. It's fun. Would be dangerous and shitty for a regular girl, but I can kick the guys' asses if they give me any crap, and I kinda enjoy the power. Yeah I know it sounds sick, but I never claimed to be well-adjusted, now did I.
Certain other people aren't real happy about this gig of mine, though. Dude, I'm still the Slayer, it's not like I'm going to get killed by some psycho. Most of the guys that frequent Deja Vu aren't scary, just kinda pathetic and horny, like most guys you meet on the street, come to think of it. And it's not like I do the one on one stuff anyway, so you can stop glowering, Angel. I don't need to, I make mass tips on the main floor already.
Lemme think, what else is new. Oh yeah, I'm gonna have a roommate. Chris needs a place to stay so I offered to let him crash at my place. I was staying at Angel's while he was gone, but once he got back I found me a new apartment. We figured wasn't such a hot idea to live in the same house after all that went down. Now I have this little 1-bed place, but it's got a loft that I wasn't using, so Chris can move in there if he wants, there's not a lot of space but it's not like I have much furniture and the living room's big so hopefully he won't feel too cramped. I don't do too much in here except eat and sleep, really, although now having another person I might actually hang out here. Funny, never used to bug me, living alone, but I'm looking forward to having a roomie now.
Anyways, guess that's about all I had to say. Chat was kinda interesting the other day though. A whole grip of people in that room. Some cool, some not. Buffy, Angel, Spike, and some geeky friend of Buffy's ex with his robot girlfriend--what a trip. Warren was there too. Don't know about that guy, he was talking a lot of shit to everybody, and he was an asshole to me, too. Called me a dirty whore--yeah, I caught that, big shot. And here I was thinking he might not be such a bad guy, since B dated him and all. She usually has better taste than I do. After the way he was acting, though, I wouldn't trust him half as far as I could throw him. He started sounding real fucking dangerous at the end, with all that "no more Mr. Nice Guy" crap.
On the upside, though, me and B are cool now. It kinda surprised me when she apologized to me, I really didn't expect it, pretty much thought she'd hate me for life and I figured it was her right, even though it bugged me. I mean, it's not cool for the chosen two to be on the outs. And she's a pretty awesome person, when she's on your side. So we're all squared away. I'm glad.
And I talked to Angel last night. Went over to his place.
This offer, the thing his sister wanted to tell him. I don't know how I feel about it. Trying not to think about it. Don't want to play the "what-if" game.
What if he got the curse lifted?
What if he could be happy, honestly happy, without worrying about the consequences?
What if we could be together?
No. Gotta stop that. Because it's not gonna happen. This Jenny C. bitch won't do it. Even though that's why she's here. Even though he's earned it.
Can't she see it? He's not Angelus. He doesn't deserve this. He's suffered more than his share, for Christ's sake.
But no. She can't separate the two, Angel and Angelus. Holds what the one did to her against the other. Even though lifting the curse would ensure that he'd never do that to anyone else.
The weirdest thing is, he said to me that he's not sure he wants it lifted either.
I don't get that.
Doesn't he want to be happy?
current mood: five by five
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
12:54 am
|
So it's me again.
Life is going much better for me these days, seems like. Makes me wonder what's coming up next, ya know, like what big lame life bullshit is gonna come crashing down on my head in the next couple of weeks? But for now, things are five by five. Not like everything's how I'd want it, but that's the way it goes, I guess.
I got me a job, think I said that before. I dance at a club. And before you ask, yes, it's that kind of dancing, at that kind of club. I like it. It's fun. Would be dangerous and shitty for a regular girl, but I can kick the guys' asses if they give me any crap, and I kinda enjoy the power. Yeah I know it sounds sick, but I never claimed to be well-adjusted, now did I.
Certain other people aren't real happy about this gig of mine, though. Dude, I'm still the Slayer, it's not like I'm going to get killed by some psycho. Most of the guys that frequent Deja Vu aren't scary, just kinda pathetic and horny, like most guys you meet on the street, come to think of it. And it's not like I do the one on one stuff anyway, so you can stop glowering, Angel. I don't need to, I make mass tips on the main floor already.
Lemme think, what else is new. Oh yeah, I'm gonna have a roommate. Chris needs a place to stay so I offered to let him crash at my place. I was staying at Angel's while he was gone, but once he got back I found me a new apartment. We figured wasn't such a hot idea to live in the same house after all that went down. Now I have this little 1-bed place, but it's got a loft that I wasn't using, so Chris can move in there if he wants, there's not a lot of space but it's not like I have much furniture and the living room's big so hopefully he won't feel too cramped. I don't do too much in here except eat and sleep, really, although now having another person I might actually hang out here. Funny, never used to bug me, living alone, but I'm looking forward to having a roomie now.
Anyways, guess that's about all I had to say. Chat was kinda interesting the other day though. A whole grip of people in that room. Some cool, some not. Buffy, Angel, Spike, and some geeky friend of Buffy's ex with his robot girlfriend--what a trip. Warren was there too. Don't know about that guy, he was talking a lot of shit to everybody, and he was an asshole to me, too. Called me a dirty whore--yeah, I caught that, big shot. And here I was thinking he might not be such a bad guy, since B dated him and all. She usually has better taste than I do. After the way he was acting, though, I wouldn't trust him half as far as I could throw him. He started sounding real fucking dangerous at the end, with all that "no more Mr. Nice Guy" crap.
On the upside, though, me and B are cool now. It kinda surprised me when she apologized to me, I really didn't expect it, pretty much thought she'd hate me for life and I figured it was her right, even though it bugged me. I mean, it's not cool for the chosen two to be on the outs. And she's a pretty awesome person, when she's on your side. So we're all squared away. I'm glad.
And I talked to Angel last night. Went over to his place.
This offer, the thing his sister wanted to tell him. I don't know how I feel about it. Trying not to think about it. Don't want to play the "what-if" game.
What if he got the curse lifted?
What if he could be happy, honestly happy, without worrying about the consequences?
What if we could be together?
No. Gotta stop that. Because it's not gonna happen. This Jenny C. bitch won't do it. Even though that's why she's here. Even though he's earned it.
Can't she see it? He's not Angelus. He doesn't deserve this. He's suffered more than his share, for Christ's sake.
But no. She can't separate the two, Angel and Angelus. Holds what the one did to her against the other. Even though lifting the curse would ensure that he'd never do that to anyone else.
The weirdest thing is, he said to me that he's not sure he wants it lifted either.
I don't get that.
Doesn't he want to be happy?
current mood:  confused
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, July 17th, 2002
| |
1:38 am - character post
|
I can't take Angel's money.
I made the mistake of telling him I didn't have any, and he got it in his head that I needed help. Told me the location of his savings. Damn. There's a lot of money in that box. A lot.
So I took a little bit. Just a little. Enough to buy me food and get some necessities. But then I closed the box up and put it back where I found it.
Because the more I thought about it the madder I got.
Because I get his kindness now. I couldn't figure it out before, why he takes it on himself to be so good to me.
I'm just another credit in his redemption account. Another lost soul to save. Another helpless person to help.
It's five by five though. I don't need the money. I got me a new job. I'm pretty sure Angel won't like this one. I like it though. And I'm making way better cash than I did at my old job.
Yeah, I have lots of useful skills but not a lot of marketable ones. Or so I thought. But this gig, I get to market some of the talents I never thought of using as a legitimate way of getting along.
Well, mostly legitimate. Legal, at least. And it's hella fun.
Plus, it fits in with the slaying.
Clubs are like take-out for vampires. Even strip clubs.
They gave me a lot of extra hours right off the bat after a couple of their girls didn't show up. Y'see, I'd dusted them Saturday night on my way in.
I guess for any halfway-cute vamp chick, feeding on drunk, horny, desperate men is like taking candy from a baby. They don't even know what's happening to them.
In a way, I admire their game. Serves those bastards right. And the girls hadn't been killing most of 'em. Sent 'em on their way no more than a bit light-headed, waited for return business. Best part is, most of the guys did come back. Week after week. The girls were collecting tips and dinner.
Maybe there's some truth in what they said about getting bit. Maybe it does feel good. No vamp ever fanged me before, so I don't know.
Sometimes I wonder about that, y'know.</i
current mood:  accomplished
|
|
|
| Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
| |
6:53 pm
|
So Angel's gone. Off to Ireland to lose the present in his past.
This is why I don't get attached to people. Better not to. Better to not care. I used to be so fucking good at that.
I've never felt this way about anyone. Ever. Never felt so much. Never thought I'd ever...
Didn't think I could, come to think of it. But only one other person was ever kind to me like he is. And she's dead.
Love? I don't know. Sounds weird. It's not me. Fuck, I barely know what the word means. Wouldn't know what it felt like. That's why I'm thinking it must feel something like this.
It hurts.
He came to see me before he left. It was good to see him--I dunno, whole?--again. And yeah, good to see him, period. So good. Awkward, though. I didn't really know what to say, and he was even less talkative than usual. We just kinda stood there and looked at each other. I guess our eyes maybe said everything there was to say. We both knew he had to go. That it was better. Yeah. Much better.
So we finally gave up on trying to make the small talk. Neither of us are real strong on the stuff. He turned around to go, and I dunno what got into me, but I grabbed his arm and said, "Wait--"
He knew better than I did what I needed, I guess, because he put his arms around me and hugged me tight. Stroked my hair while I held onto him like I was drowning or something.
"Faith--"
I lifted my head, looked him in the eye. He looked like he was gonna say something, but then he just stopped, and kissed the top of my head, and then my forehead. Then he let go, and said, "I'll see you, Faith."
"Later," I said, as nonchalantly as I could.
Then he was gone.
"I'll miss you," I whispered to the door as it slammed shut.
I talked to him today. For a long time. I don't think Ireland is what he thought it'd be.
I wanted to tell him--
But I couldn't. And probably shouldn't.
Talked to some of the others, too, in one of those chat room deals. Wasn't so bad. Course Spike was being an asshole, and Willow was kinda bitchy for awhile there but then me and her were sorta good with eachother in the end. Met this guy Chris, too, some novice technopagan lookin' for the goods on magic and that. Friend of Willow's, I guess, and he seemed all right. For some reason I kinda liked him. He seemed real genuine, I like that in people, maybe a bit naive in some ways, but real friendly and he took our arguments in stride. Nice to talk to someone who doesn't look at me and see a psycho ex-felon fuck-up. Whatever, sure he'll figure out the truth soon enough.
I would talk more about what's been happenin with me, but I don't want the wrong person to read it. Like the police. And I sure as hell don't want anyone's pity.
Don't worry about me. I'm five by five.
current mood: drained
current music: Korn "Somebody Someone"
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 7th, 2002
| |
3:08 am - Angel...(character post)
|
I didn't believe him when I talked to him the first time. Didn't believe it could really be him, after all the fucked-up things Angelus had said to me, it just seemed like one more game, more fucked-up than ever.
But it was. Angel, the real Angel, still exists. Somehow.
He's outside my room right now, matter of fact. I can hear him pacing.
He came to me that night after we talked. I almost killed him. Again. He caught the stake inches from his chest. So I attacked him with fists and teeth and bare feet (I'd been on my way to bed. Just like the first time he came to see me. He has real bad timing.)
He grabbed me, held me at arms length, so I was left kinda pummeling his chest with my fists, screaming at him.
He said, "Oh, Faith. I'm so sorry."
"You're sorry--?" I stopped struggling, stared at him. "For what? Framing me for murder? Gaining me the hatred of the only friends I had left?"
He sighed. "Yes. For all of that. That wasn't me, Faith." I just glared. "But more than that, I'm sorry that I can't give you what you need, what you deserve."
"And what's that?"
"A relationship--a real one."
"What's your point?" I demanded. Still hell of suspicious.
He shrugged, with a bitter half-smile. "I don't know. That's it, I guess. Wanted to apologize for not being--man enough, I suppose. I know it doesn't make it any better, but I had to say it."
I was standing real still. Something about those damn shadows in his eyes--Christ, in the way he carried himself--my heart was trying to beat its way out of my chest or something, it was thumping so hard it hurt.
He swallowed. I watched his Adam's apple jump. "Faith--"
I opened my mouth, but my voice had cut out on me all of a sudden. We had both dropped our arms to our sides. Now he lifted one hand and gingerly brushed my cheek, the briefest of touches.
I finally found a word. Just one. "Angel--?"
Then I was wrapped in his arms. Glad I'm the Slayer--he would have cracked a rib or two if I was just any old normal girl. He held me for a few seconds, then let go just as sudden, almost pushed me back, looking away.
"It really is you. But how--?"
"I can't tell you that." He crossed the room to the kitchen, pacing. Observing the mess of a week or two during which I had long ago run out of any clean dishes.
"Why the hell not?"
He shook his head at the contents of my refrigerator (sparse and largely inedible) and turned to look at me again. "Because I don't know myself. I'm just--here. But he is, too."
"It's magic, right?"
"I think so. I know Willow was trying the restoration spell the night it happened. But I don't know." He sat down on the beat-up couch, ran his fingers through his hair, looking tired and kinda lost for a thousand-year old master vampire turned superhero. "This never happened before..."
So now I'm staying with him. It's--weird. I haven't been sleeping much, nights, because, well, I haven't been for months now. We stay up together. We try to keep our distance, for obvious reasons. It's so fucking hard. When he goes to bed each morning, all I want to do is curl up next to him and go to sleep in his arms. Has nothing to do with me being horny, believe it or not. Well, mostly it doesn't.
What are we going to do?
Hell if I know.
current mood: hopeful
|
|
|
| Tuesday, June 25th, 2002
| |
4:11 pm - character post
|
Missy was right. I have a choice. Dark, or light.
I'm going to try to do the right thing, this time. Should be a good fight. At the very least, I can go down fighting. Just got to keep telling myself that he's not Angel.
Angel thought I could do good.
Missy said my role is to swing the balance to light.
Don't know if I believe in that shit. But it's sure as hell better than sitting here on my ass, doing nothing. Beats being afraid. Beats thinking. I've been doing too much of all of those lately.
Guess I'm giving that fine line Missy talked about a try.
current mood: calm
|
|
|
| Monday, June 24th, 2002
| |
11:05 pm - character post
|
I found them today. Slayer intuition.
Missy tells me they're doing the spell tonight, to bring him back.
I need to be there. With him. When they do it.
Why? So I can apologise. So I can see him one more time before I leave town.
If it goes right.
If it goes wrong--I'll be there to kill him. Or to make sure she doesn't kill him. I'm not quite sure which.
But I'll be there.
current mood: nervous
|
|
|
| Tuesday, June 18th, 2002
| |
10:59 pm - Character Post
|
I'm going hunting.
Hope I catch up with Angelus. he said he was going to go after Christine. I can't let that happen. No more deaths on my head. He said he'd already gotten to my parole officer. Asshole or not, he didn't deserve that.
And with my luck, with him killing all the people that messed with me, they'll blame it on me.
Sure he'd love that.
God--they all hate me now. Buffy and all her buddies. Not that they cared to begin with.
As if I didn't feel shitty enough to begin with. First Buffy, then Cordy. Both telling me how stupid, stupid, stupid I am.
I was going to go down to the Magic Box to talk to Missy, but I didn't want to run into the rest of them.
I don't know what to do.
I have this big, sharp knife sitting here beside me. Not that it will help me against Angelus. But I was thinking how good it would feel to have the blade slice across my own wrist.
Something even Angel never knew, something no one knows. I used to do that, when I was a kid. Used to cut myself. My Watcher trained me out of it.
Now, though...
That's it. I've gotta get out of here. Find Angelus and fight him. Maybe I'll kill him; maybe he'll kill me.
Not sure which one I'd rather have happen.
Can't help but think how easy it would be to go to him. Like he asked me to. They all hate me, all Buffy's people. I don't think I can bear to be around them, feel their scorn. The way Buffy spoke to me--God, it burned me up.
Especially since everything she said was true.
Angelus would welcome me with open arms into his little "family". He's not that different from Angel, that way.
Buffy would rather I fell off the face of the earth. Not that I blame her.
current mood: numb
current music: Nine Inch Nails "The Day the World Went Away"
|
|
|
| Monday, June 17th, 2002
| |
8:58 pm
|
Oh god.
I don't know what's worse. That I almost killed him, or what happened when I didn't.
I was going to do it. Was going to take that stake and uncomplicate my life and my feelings for good. Go back to the person I was comfortable being.
I went to his place last night. Late. Coming back from talking to Richard. Stake in hand, pretending I wasn't doing what I was doing, pretending he was just any old vampire. I walked fast, because if I slowed down I thought I would turn around, loose my nerve and my resolve.
The door was unlocked, as always.
It was perfect timing. He was standing by the bookshelf in the den, engrossed in a book, facing away from me. I raised the stake and drew a breath.
That was my mistake. He must have heard me breathe. He turned around. He looked--pleased to see me.
He saw the stake, raised his eyes to my face, with a little smile. Like he thought it was a joke, remembering the last time I'd almost staked him at my door. "What are you doing, Faith?"
I shouldn't have hesitated. He was open, book in hand, heart exposed. Didn't even raise an arm to defend himself. I took two steps forward--pulled my arm back--and threw the stake, hard--at the floor. Turned and ran. He caught me, spun me around. "Faith--"
His voice was far too gentle, it was too much. I broke down. Sobbing, holding onto him for dear life, all I could say was, "I couldn't do it. I could never do it."
And he just held me, and stroked my hair, and told me it was going to be all right, until it almost was all right. When I lifted my head, all he said was, "Tell me."
So I told him everything. About the Mayor, and his offer, and his price. Couldn't meet his eyes.
"Oh, Faith," he said. "You should have just come to me. You know I would have helped you." He took my chin, raised it so I had to look back at him. "Listen, you didn't do it. That's good. You're good, Faith. Difference between you and me is, I know that."
That's when I did it. The thing I really, really shouldn't have done.
I kissed him.
On the long list of my mistakes, I think this one's right up there among the biggest.
He kissed me back. And something happened.
We didn't stop. It was like something that had been lying in wait for a long time just burst out and took us over.
When we were done, he fell asleep.
I wanted to stay. But I couldn't. Not like I couldn't imagine waking up with him. That in itself scared me. I haven't woken up with a man in years.
So I took off. Of course. Like the coward I am.
I didn't know. Didn't realize what had happened til I read Buffy's post this morning.
I never thought it would happen with me. Never thought once that I could ever bring him that moment, the one that did him in. Don't think he even suspected it, either.
And some tiny part of me, the part that isn't horrified and afraid, is comforted that I did that. That being with me made him that happy.
The rest knows that I've lost the last good thing in my life. The one thing I could count on. The one person who cared.
My Angel is gone.
Not that he was ever mine. Except for that one night. That one moment.
current mood: scared
|
|
|
| Sunday, June 16th, 2002
| |
2:01 am - Character Post
|
It's all falling apart.
They turned off my phone yesterday. Not that I use it much. But I picked it up to call Missy and--nothing. No dial tone. Well, the bill was already late because I didn't make enough money anyway. But I know it's just the beginning.
( Everything )
So tired. Don't want to dream. Just want to rest. Everything's too complicated lately.
Life used to be simple. Eat, sleep, fuck, slay, party.
Wish I could be that girl again.
Thing is, now I know I could be.
All I have to do is slay my own weakness.
current mood: drained
current music: Garbage--"#1 Crush"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
faith_slayer's journal